A Loaded God Complex

2006-03-06T00:40:00.000-08:00

Bad Idea Jeans.

[ open on group of guys sitting on a bench on a basketball court, laughing ]

Guy #1: Hey, we've got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.

Guy #2: You're renting, right?

Guy #1: Yeah.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Guy #3: Well, he's an ex free-base addict, and he's trying to turn around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Guy #1: [ tosses bottle to Guy #2 ] Head's up!

Guy #4: Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

[ close-up of the jeans they're wearing, the label reads: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

Guy #3: I thought about it, and even though it's over, I'm going to tell my wife about the afffair.

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

[ more shots of BAD IDEA jeans ]

Guy #5: I don't know the guy, but I've got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured..

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Guy #2: Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"

[ image on screen: BAD IDEA ]

Announcer: Bad Idea Jeans.

[ shows a group of tough looking basketball players on the court ]

Guy #1: Hey, you guys ready? Let's bet these guys! A hundred bucks.. make that two hundred! Two hundred bucks!

[ fade to image on screen: BAD IDEA JEANS ]

[ fade out ]

2006-03-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Oscar.

"In case you're keeping track: Martin Scorsese, zero oscars; Three 6 Mafia, one oscar."
--Jon Stewart

2006-02-27T21:30:00.000-08:00

Liberal Bias.

2006-02-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

Cause to Die.

2006-02-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

Pepper Boy.

CAST:

Marco.....Dana Carvey
Carlo.....Adam Sandler
Male Diner #4.....Chris Farley

SKETCH:

Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah.

Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard?

Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper!

Carlo: Three?

Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah?

[ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ]

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes!

Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4's plate ] Say.. when.

Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright..

Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three..

Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That's the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo!

Carlo: Grazi!

[ Carlo returns to Marco, feeling proud of himself ]

Marco: Oh, you did it, Carlo! You did it! How do you feel?

Carlo: Like I can fly, Senor! On-a wings made of pepper!

2006-02-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

Listen to your friend, Billy Zane.

Crazy Turkish movie about the war in Iraq: Kurtlar Vadisi Irak starring Billy Zane as an American soldier who kills Iraqis and sells them to a Jewish Doctor, played by Gary Busey, who harvests their organs.

2006-02-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

Respect.

"Throughout his career, Cam'ron has put more than a few MCs on notice, but now he's turning his scorn toward sexual predators who try to hook up with kids on the Internet. In October Cam plans on putting out a DVD featuring several of his own sting.

'I saw a special that MSNBC had done one time on [adults] on the Internet thinking they're talking to 13- or 14-year-olds,' Cam explained of the inspiration for his latest and most surprising endeavor. 'These people drive 200, 300 miles just to meet a 13- or 14-year-old. It ranges from teachers to rabbis to construction workers. It's just disgusting.

'We set up a similar situation where we are videotaping people thinking they're gonna meet little kids,' he continued. 'When they get there, it's gonna be me and [my manger] Big Joe like, 'What the hell are you doing, you damn pervert? What the f--- is wrong with you, coming to meet a 13-year-old boy?' We're gonna talk to them and not let them leave until we find out what's wrong with them.'

So far Cam has caught two people in compromising positions, he said, and he wants to catch at least eight more for the still-untitled DVD. According to his crew, the Diplomats, there will be no police involvement."

2006-02-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

Still Not Funny.

Maybe my expectations are a little unreasonable sometimes. Maybe it's high standards. But, I definitely expect people who put themselves out to the world as entertainers should be a little better at monitoring their own entertainment value. I.E., if you're taking up TV time or movie time or, case in point, radio airtime, you need to ensure that the entertainment value in your performance is worth the audience's time. It's really an issue of opportunity cost and frustration of legitimate expectations: I don't have to listen to you, I could listen to something else, but since I chose to listen to you, you better make it worth my time. Needless to say, my legitimate expectations were frustrated today.

I was driving to school today and turned the radio to 97.1 to listen to the Adam Carolla show. Due to the disfavor I expressed in the previous entry, I thought that maybe I was being unfair and that giving the crew another shot was warranted. But alas, my worst fears were realized. Dave, the sports guy, coughed up the same exact bit he did just yesterday with WGW and had the following interaction (again, content paraphrased due to the fallacies of human memory):

WGW: Hey Billy, how's it going?
Dave: It's not Billy, it's Dave.
WGW: Billy, are you a man or a figure skater?
Dave: My name's not Billy. It's Dave.
WGW: Right, Billy, I gotta go. My pick for tonight is the US women's hockey team and then parlay that with the Finnish curling team.

I really don't know what's going on, but I think I may have to listen tomorrow just to see if this comes up again.

2006-02-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

Not Funny.

I don't like Adam Carolla's new radio show. He's still funny, but everything else about the show is pretty lame. All they really do is bring people in and make fun of how they talk. For example, he brings in his friend Oswaldo and makes fun of his thick Latin accent. Or today, he brought in "Deaf Frat Guy," a fifth-year student from USC and made fun of how he talks. Because he's deaf. It's really not funny.

And then there's a couple other annoying people on the show. For example, the guy who does the sports (Dave?) had this bit today where he was calling Wayne Gretzky's wife ("WGW") in Torino, who has been implicated in this big gambling scandal. Here's the paraphrased script (Note: by "paraphrased," I mean, the content was paraphrased, I did not purposely make this not funny. This is really what it was):

Dave: Hey Mrs. Gretzky.
WGW: Hey Billy.
Dave: It's Dave.
WGW: I have to go bet on skiing and other winter games.
Dave: What's the deal with curling? Is that even a sport?
WGW: I can bet on it. So it's a sport in my book, Billy.
Dave: It's Dave.
WGW: I don't know who Dave is Billy, but I have to go gamble.

Come on now, even Seacrest is funnier than this.

2006-02-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

The [Blog] is back.

As many know, I have had a sordid history with the SBC corporate form, the intricacies of which were detailed in this blog's previous existence. Ironically, it is my corporate nemesis that has brought on this blog's re-nascence. Justice has finally been done.

I received a letter from SBC, now part of "the new AT&T," indicating the following:

"In reviewing our records, we show that you may have a credit balance in your former SBC Internet account."

Full circle indeed: SBC merges into AT&T and dissolves its corporate form and, in turn, leaves ripe the ground for reemergence of the blog. However, without poor customer service to write about, I'll probably just stick to thoughts about Lost or cool quotes from Arrested Development.